The Art Of Seduction
by fatelesskitten
Summary: Sometimes a shinobi has to do uncomfortable things to achieve their goal. crack, no pairing


Don't blame me for the destruction of your brain cells.

**disclaimer:** not mine. The characters should be glad they're not mine, now that I think about it.

Itachi would probably kill me..

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"It's quite warm tonight, don't you think so?" a slightly bored voice broke the unusual silence of the night. "I mean not that it would be better if it were cold but a mix of the two would have been more practical for the mission."

A cicada chirped somewhere around them but the second person refused to acknowledge the younger of the two. Both of them wore expensive looking kimonos, one in pink and the other a deep purple but it was difficult to tell which gender the two wanderers belonged to.

"You know, it wasn't exactly my fault we ended up like this. And that twitch can't be healthy, maybe you should get it checked once we're back in Konoha." the voice continued now sounding more amused than bored.

"Would you just shut up? Aren't you genius Uchihas supposed to be the silent, broody type? You know tall, dark, handsome and slightly insane? Though after today's mission I'm not so sure about your genius status anymore. But you definitely have the insane part down." the pink-clad one replied.

"...that's really mean. I didn't have to agree to this kind of mission at all and I certainly wouldn't have had I known you're just going to be a petty bastard. The only positive thing about this is the kimono. The colour is really pretty, it would probably look great as nail polish." they mused and admired their neatly manicured fingernails that glinted in the moonlight.

"Who are you calling a bastard, you bastard? I'm still your superior and can get you sacked faster than those men tried to lift your kimono tonight. I'm already at a point where I'm considering to have you do nothing but cleaning missions for the rest of your miserable life." the twitching in their eyebrow had reached new heights during this speech and the other was fascinated how it seemed to transform the face into something resembling a bunny infested with rabies.

"Hmph. You're just jealous because all the men were after me and didn't even give you a second glance. I can't help it if I'm the prettiest thing Konoha has to offer ever since the Fourth sealed the Kyuubi! And I was never trained for seduction missions! You just decided that I would be the best for this! And to top it off you made me dress up as a girl! I know I'm irresistible and look slightly, and only SLIGHTLY feminine, but I'm too bad ass to be a girl." you could almost hear the pout in the young man's voice.

"Wow. I didn't know anyone could be that conceited. If I may remind you then it was most certainly me our target was interested in. You only got his horny underlings trying to grope you in inappropriate places while I had to actually work to get the Lord to reveal the location of the scroll we were looking for." the older man's voice was getting more worked up with every word he spoke and his face was turning a nice fuchsia colour that set off the pink of his kimono and contrasted with his already grey hair.

"I don't know what you're complaining about. You got him to tell you, didn't you? And you only had to kiss him to get it! That's nothing compared to other seduction missions I've heard about. Some of those ended in orgies! Orgies, I tell you! Why couldn't you send me to one of those instead of this little excursion into the innocent fields of only slightly perverted men? At least then I would've had some fun." the twitch was getting stronger than ever and now the other man looked as if he was going to start foaming at the mouth any second.

"Itachi. Yes, I did get him to tell me about the scroll but at the same time you got up onto the table singing 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' while doing the can-can effectively showing all those present that you are indeed not as female as you pretended to be. And then you proceeded to fall flat on your ass and I had to save said ass, losing the scroll and my wig in the process. That wig was expensive! And the colour really set off my eyes, too! Do you know that it was custom made especially for me?" the glare he gave the Uchiha could have melted steel.

"So. You're saying the reason you're so pissed off isn't that we failed the mission but because you lost your wig? Some Hokage you are, Sandaime..." Itachi sniffed and frowned at his companion.

"Cleaning. Missions. For. A. Year. And if you even think of telling anyone about this you'll be even more feminine than you already are, that I can promise." Sandaime was every bit the Hokage when he said this because it wasn't exactly easy to command Itachi Uchiha, the genius everyone looked up to. He had already painfully experienced this before.

"As if I wanted anyone to know about this! It would destroy my mysterious and shining image! I couldn't even look my little brother in the eye anymore if he knew about this!" he was obviously offended by the insinuation that he would destroy his own mystery like that.

"Good. Then we're in agreement. No one is ever going to know about this, we'll never do anything like it again and you get a more challenging mission next time. And damn. These shoes are murder! How do women walk in these..."

Sandaime muttered to himself while going a bit faster than before to get away from his best shinobi.

Itachi sighed and looked up at the moon enjoying the slight breeze under his kimono.  
"It really IS a great colour. Purple would really set off the Sharingan if I used it as some kind of decoration..."

And that was how Itachi Uchiha came to wear his trademark nail polish and Sandaime decided to keep an eye on the Uchiha family as a whole. Somewhere a few miles away some random Lord rinsed out his mouth like a man possessed while whispering about wrinkly old man and strange can-can dancers with pretty legs.

All in all it was a beautiful night no one ever wanted to think of ever again.

Another cicada chirped.

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Please leave me a few words even if it's only something like "weird..." Thanks!


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